Some People are Just Jealous.

Unless you’re living in a bubble where everything is super happy, everyone knows that life isn’t always easy. In fact, it can be rather trying and discouraging at times. Especially when a friend decides to drop a bomb on you. 

Ever since Kyle came into my life, I’ve been incredibly happy. Sure, I’ve still had moments of feeling down but, other than that, things have been fantastic. Dylan and I are talking every day again which is great. While I haven’t been out of the house much, life’s been pretty grand.

That is, until Eli found out that I have a boyfriend. Or, rather, told me that he knew. He was really down and talking about how there wasn’t a single girl who wanted to touch him or be near or with him. Every time I talk to him, he’s always so damn negative. Also complaining about how he doesn’t have a girlfriend and yet, I have “hundreds of men” lining up at the gate wanting me. First of all, that isn’t true. If I had hundreds of men wanting me, it wouldn’t be so damn hard to find the right guy. I swear, he’s like “woe is me” all the time. He thinks he’s the only one suffering and the only guy who can’t find someone. 

Just because I’m a girl and just because several people find me attractive, to him, equates that it’s as easy as snapping my fingers.

News flash, Eli. It’s not. 

I have troubles, too. I’ve been heartbroken, too. I mean, I was engaged after all. There isn’t an engagement or wedding ring around my finger. When we met, I’d just gotten out of a relationship. And just because, only two months later, I have someone new, doesn’t that it was easy. It was the complete opposite. I’ve always thought that I had to fight for what I want. And, I did. But, it never worked. 

Not until now. 

So, Eli, the next time you decide to yell at me for having “a fucking boyfriend”, remember that I’ve been through hell to get to this point. Don’t make me feel guilty for being happy for once. I don’t need anymore guilt trips. I’ve had enough from you and from Brian. I don’t need it anymore. If you want to do it again, I swear to God, I will delete you from everything. Can’t you just be happy for me? Besides, it’s not my fault that you didn’t say anything sooner. You knew full well that I was hurting and looking. And, yet, all you decided to do was just be there. Which is fine but, then to tell me that you hoped we could have developed into  relationship? I mean, really?? God, you’re way too late. I’m in love and I think with the right guy for once.

It’s your fault you told me from day one that you just wanted friendship. Because of that, I didn’t even think to look at you as a potential boyfriend. So, really, you brought this upon yourself. I had nothing to do with it. So, take your jealousy somewhere else. I don’t need it. I don’t have to deal with it. 

I may take Dylan’s advice and get rid of all the negative people in my life and focus on the positives. So, you  may be deleted. One more false step and you’re gone.

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So, last night …

So, last night was weird. 

Lantz logged onto Skype. I’m so glad I’m done with him. Yes, he’s attractive and he was really good to me but, not anymore. I can’t love him as he is now. …. Digressing… Then, about 7 hours ago, Josh’s girlfriend, Alexis (just as unattractive) viewed my MeetMe page. The things she said about him made me die of laughter. She called him sweet and the greatest guy ever. Ha. yeah right. Not even. Dylan so much better boyfriend material than he is. Like on the other extreme. And, then, Kyle, like a fucking model compared to Josh in the looks department. It’s not even funny.

Okay, so maybe it is a bit. I mean, god, was I drunk or something? …Well, that’s literally impossible since I hate alcohol… But, that’s not the point. He’s ugly as hell. And he honestly needs to be put in isolation for the rest of his life so he can’t reproduce.

God, I’m horrible. xD But, know what, this is my blog and I can say what I want. So, there. 🙂

On the plus side, I could ask Mikey Mike to verbally kick his ass? xD I love that boy. 🙂 He’s one of the sweetest guy friends ever.

I’m totally going all over the place. 

Facebook post and comments about Josh. xD

Oh god, so, apparently the guy I dated when I was 18, his girlfriend calls him “the greatest guy in the world sure he is sarcastic, and we have little fights but he is also sweet and wonderful and funny and very kind while being a little bit inconsiderate to my feelings but what guy understands a girls feelings exactly” … Wow, not even. I about died of laughter. “Sweet”? Definitely not. “Very kind”? If he was that then, he wouldn’t have been a total douche bag. :O
 
    • Sarah Marise ‎”while being a little bit inconsiderate to my feelings but what guy understands a girls feelings exactly” Its pretty bad when someone is complimenting their boyfriend and they feel the need to add that last bit. Obviously, he isn’t -that- wonderful if you have to say something like that.

      19 minutes ago · Like
    •  
      Elizabeth Marx Right? He commented on it and said “inconsiderate how?” I died. He’s a complete asshole anyway. I mean, while they may have last since my senior year, I’m sure eventually, he’ll leave her. Or, if they do get married, their marriage will fall a part. Or, they’ll have really ugly children. …I’m horrible, xD But, he’s really not at all cute. I don’t even know what I was thinking when I dated him. And, in all honesty, she’s not much better in that department. So, maybe they -are- perfect for each other? Either way, he’s a douche. xD

      16 minutes ago · Like · 1
    •  
      Sarah Marise haha I guess they are meant to be. That’s hilarious though, I can’t believe someone would compliment their boyfriend or girlfriend like that, no matter how much of an asshole he or she may be xD Just be glad you learned better than to be with someone like that.

      10 minutes ago · Like
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      Elizabeth Marx Oh yeah. Everyone I’ve date is a lot better than he is. Even though, they didn’t turn out so great either. I mean, they’ve always been loads more attractive and much kinder.

Fresh Hope

Sometimes life works in mysterious ways and after not going in your favor for so long, things finally start working out. All you have to do is to have a little faith and let Karma work its magic. 

Today has been an amazing day and it’s not even noon yet. And it started the other day, when I finally decided to just relinquish control of trying to find a relation to Fate and Destiny. Within in hours of deciding that, I got a Facebook message from a guy named Kyle Richmond who I had talked to back in May. Even then, we had hit it off really well. He actually cared about my troubles instead of pushing them aside like most people did. We finally exchanged numbers and have been texting ever since. 

What’s been incredible is that in that message, he called me ‘baby’. At first, I was a bit insulted, considering how he had disappeared for what seemed so long and now he was back. Though, after expressing that and my fear of him having found someone better, he said “mercy no. I missed you, baby.” And with that, my heart skipped a beat. He missed me.

For the past two and half days, he’s called me ‘baby’ and yesterday he said he loved me. Though it was more of “love you”. Today, however, I asked if we should make this official since I’m pretty much his and he asked if I would be his forever. When I said ‘yeah, I will be’, he responded with “I love you, baby”.

I’ve been smiling so much today. I’m happy. I’m in love. I think things are finally looking up for me. Good Karma. I’ve been dealt my fair share of bad, so to speak. Seems like the Universe has finally seen it fit to make something good happen in my life. And with a guy who actually lives in town. Which means, once we finally set a time, I’ll be able to see him.

It feels so nice to actually know that I’m loved and to be texted in the morning with “morning baby”. It’s definitely a lot different than what I’m used to. It’s so great, so relieving. I really hope this works out.

I love you, Kyle. ❤

To Dylan : My best guy friend.

Ever since we first met,

nothing’s ever been the same.

When life gets hard,

I think of your faith in me

and I’m able to smile.

Over so few months,

you’ve come to mean 

the world to me.

I don’t know why;

I don’t know how.

All I know is that 

you have.

 

Though,

for the sake of

our friendship,

I will never cross the line.

I’ll leave that up to you.

I would never want to risk losing you,

like I have others.

 

You give me faith in men,

in myself.

You keep me strong,

even when the doubts in my head

seem strong.

You keep a smile on my lips

even when the tears are flowing.

You’re my best friend.

 

You’re the one I can turn to.

No matter what.

You never tell me what I 

want to hear. 

You tell me what I need

to hear.

And for that…

I am grateful. 

 

Thank you…

for everything you’ve done

and everything you will

do.

you’re pure of heart –

don’t ever lose that 

quality.

 

🙂

I have to keep fighting…For my own sake.

Turning Tables – Adele

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we’re fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can’t keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can’t breathe

So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you, what you think you give me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can’t keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can’t breathe

So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you, what you think you give me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables

Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won’t let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you, what you think you give me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah
Turning ohh

 

There have just been times where I want to give up on everything: love, friendship, school… I just feel with every effort I take, there’s something bigger that drags me down two, three steps below where I finally reached to. This feeling of fighting a losing battle is accentuated when I feel like I’m not missed by anyone.

Dylan told me that I try too hard. That it may be my only flaw; and he thinks it may be the issues in my relationships… But, all of them have been long distance. How can I not try as I can to keep it strong? With any relationship? Maybe I really do have abandonment  issues. It seems like every man I’ve come to care about in someway or other just… leaves… I feel like I’m losing Dylan. Though, he says he hasn’t abandoned me. It feels like it. All I need is to feel his arms around me to know everything’s going to work out the way it should… I know it sounds silly; especially since we’re not dating. But, he’s really the one man I can trust with all of me. My heart, my soul, my body… He’d be the only  I’d trust with myself if I ever got drunk or I was on some really strong pain medication. I know he wouldn’t hurt me.

I’m just getting so tired of fighting… it’s wearing me down. I don’t know how much disappointment I can take. I need something or someone to show me that all of my pain’s been worth it… that there’s  a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I need to find the love I’ve always been craving…needing…wanting. The impostors need to just leave me alone. I can’t take much more of their lies and bullshit about how much they love me and they’ll not be like everyone else and leave.

Every guy leaves. James became a prime example of that. I know I pushed him away first but, I tried to fix it. I tried so hard. In the end, I was just left with broken, albeit, tedious promises and a broken heart. I just can’t breathe with all the pain in my heart. I can pretend I’m alright… but, I’m not. I’m not. I just need to be held and allowed to cry on someone’s shoulder. I need a break from it all. I need to get away from the pressures and stresses of my life. But, I have nowhere to go. No one to go to…currently…

But, I have to keep fighting… I have to. For my own sake. I’ll eventually win…right? I’ll find someone and finally feel true love and feel like all the fighting I’ve done over the years was worth it. That’s all I need. To be shown that I’m worth it. And, not just someone that can be pushed to the side and forgotten about… like I’ve always felt I have been. I need a change. I need this cycle to break. If it doesn’t, I don’t know what I’m going to do. The only thing that keeps me going are my dreams of love, happiness and, marriage. Though, I honestly don’t know how much more energy they have left to keep my going… Not when they keep being crushed to the ground by every man I’ve given my heart to.

Someone save me from this hell I’m living…

 

A New Start

My life hasn’t been easy. Especially, my love life. When things start to look up, something always brings it down. It can be hard to look at life through a hypothetical optimistic lens. With all the heart break, it can be difficult to realize that someday I’ll win big and all of my dreams will come true. The pain can make one become a bit jaded and untrusting of the possibilities of the future.

Though, this is my chance to start anew. I may think that finding a new love and getting married may allow me to close one stage of my life and begin a new one. That may be true. But, for now, I have to focus on myself and getting to the point of finding that new love. I’m almost a twenty year old girl who’s a sophomore in university. I have time to figure things out; to figure out what I really want. 

Until then, I will write about my dreams, my hopes, my ups and downs. I will write things from poetry to stories… The secrets of my heart.

Time to start anew.