I have to keep fighting…For my own sake.

Turning Tables – Adele

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we’re fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can’t keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can’t breathe

So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you, what you think you give me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can’t keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can’t breathe

So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you, what you think you give me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables

Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won’t let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you, what you think you give me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah
Turning ohh

 

There have just been times where I want to give up on everything: love, friendship, school… I just feel with every effort I take, there’s something bigger that drags me down two, three steps below where I finally reached to. This feeling of fighting a losing battle is accentuated when I feel like I’m not missed by anyone.

Dylan told me that I try too hard. That it may be my only flaw; and he thinks it may be the issues in my relationships… But, all of them have been long distance. How can I not try as I can to keep it strong? With any relationship? Maybe I really do have abandonment  issues. It seems like every man I’ve come to care about in someway or other just… leaves… I feel like I’m losing Dylan. Though, he says he hasn’t abandoned me. It feels like it. All I need is to feel his arms around me to know everything’s going to work out the way it should… I know it sounds silly; especially since we’re not dating. But, he’s really the one man I can trust with all of me. My heart, my soul, my body… He’d be the only  I’d trust with myself if I ever got drunk or I was on some really strong pain medication. I know he wouldn’t hurt me.

I’m just getting so tired of fighting… it’s wearing me down. I don’t know how much disappointment I can take. I need something or someone to show me that all of my pain’s been worth it… that there’s  a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I need to find the love I’ve always been craving…needing…wanting. The impostors need to just leave me alone. I can’t take much more of their lies and bullshit about how much they love me and they’ll not be like everyone else and leave.

Every guy leaves. James became a prime example of that. I know I pushed him away first but, I tried to fix it. I tried so hard. In the end, I was just left with broken, albeit, tedious promises and a broken heart. I just can’t breathe with all the pain in my heart. I can pretend I’m alright… but, I’m not. I’m not. I just need to be held and allowed to cry on someone’s shoulder. I need a break from it all. I need to get away from the pressures and stresses of my life. But, I have nowhere to go. No one to go to…currently…

But, I have to keep fighting… I have to. For my own sake. I’ll eventually win…right? I’ll find someone and finally feel true love and feel like all the fighting I’ve done over the years was worth it. That’s all I need. To be shown that I’m worth it. And, not just someone that can be pushed to the side and forgotten about… like I’ve always felt I have been. I need a change. I need this cycle to break. If it doesn’t, I don’t know what I’m going to do. The only thing that keeps me going are my dreams of love, happiness and, marriage. Though, I honestly don’t know how much more energy they have left to keep my going… Not when they keep being crushed to the ground by every man I’ve given my heart to.

Someone save me from this hell I’m living…

 

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