Another door is already closing.

Well…that’s that it seems. A couple weeks ago, a guy named James came into my life. No, not James Spaeth. A different James. Either way, the first phone call was basically him telling me that i’m perfection and that he could “see” that I’ve been hurt so many times. A few days later, he proposed. Another proposal without a ring. *sigh*.  I said yes…but, now, I don’t know. I’m not sure about it anymore. I don’t feel much of anything like I used to in the beginning. Maybe because it’s going too fast and I don’t know much about him except that he’s a nurse, attractive and… apparently an empath. :/ 

But, the doubt started last week when I didn’t hear from him. And then a bunch of shit happened. Suddenly, my friends were focusing on their relationships while I was struggling to figure out if I was in one or not. All I want, is to find someone either near me or, dedicated to visiting every so often, to love me and just enjoy my company and discover who I am and my faults and accept them. Then, eventually have a “normal” proposal. You know… the kind where the guy goes out and buys the ring, then gets on one knee and says, “Blah Blah, I love you..blah balh blah. Will you marry me?”

At this point, I don’t even know if I’m ever going to see James. I really don’t. I just feel like, the barrier between us is returning so that we’re once again becoming strangers. I can’t do this anymore. I need someone who actually wants to spend time with me. Maybe meet for lunch during my lunch break. Or, a friday or monday after my 9am class, take me somewhere and have fun. Or, go to his place and cuddle and watch movies. No sex- not yet. Just being amazing and cute. 

I just feel so empty. Right now, there are three guys who are wanting to have sex with me. Honestly,  I’m not opposed..but, at the same time, it’s not what I want. I don’t want just a “fuck and go.” I want honest to god love-making. You know, when you’re in love and the sex is just incredible? Yeah. I want that. I had it once and nothing has compared. It’s not just physical satisfaction I want anymore. I want emotional, too. I want to know that I’m someone amazing, someone worth everything.

Another thing. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m worth fighting for. Or, I feel like I’m not worth fighting to live, to keep  hope. 

That message from Hailey hasn’t exactly helped. 

But, maybe I am selfish. …

no… I’m not.

I know I’m not.

I’ve barely told my friends what I’m really feeling inside. That I’m struggling every day to keep a smile on my face; to fight the swelling depression. 

Sure, it’s easy to laugh at what’s funny. It’s easy to smile when someone makes you. But, when all of that’s gone….?

Help me…someone…

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Life is…not so grand.

Well. Congrats, Elizabeth. You’ve just been fucked over again. how does it feel?

Honestly? Like complete shit.

Seriously Universe, how many more times do have to go through all of this crappy heartbreak? Can the right guy just come into  my life right now? Or, can I get James back and everything be pretty perfect? I’m fucking tired of being slightly depressed all the time. All of my friends are either happy single or happily in a relationship.

So. not. Fair.