Well…that’s that it seems. A couple weeks ago, a guy named James came into my life. No, not James Spaeth. A different James. Either way, the first phone call was basically him telling me that i’m perfection and that he could “see” that I’ve been hurt so many times. A few days later, he proposed. Another proposal without a ring. *sigh*. I said yes…but, now, I don’t know. I’m not sure about it anymore. I don’t feel much of anything like I used to in the beginning. Maybe because it’s going too fast and I don’t know much about him except that he’s a nurse, attractive and… apparently an empath.
But, the doubt started last week when I didn’t hear from him. And then a bunch of shit happened. Suddenly, my friends were focusing on their relationships while I was struggling to figure out if I was in one or not. All I want, is to find someone either near me or, dedicated to visiting every so often, to love me and just enjoy my company and discover who I am and my faults and accept them. Then, eventually have a “normal” proposal. You know… the kind where the guy goes out and buys the ring, then gets on one knee and says, “Blah Blah, I love you..blah balh blah. Will you marry me?”
At this point, I don’t even know if I’m ever going to see James. I really don’t. I just feel like, the barrier between us is returning so that we’re once again becoming strangers. I can’t do this anymore. I need someone who actually wants to spend time with me. Maybe meet for lunch during my lunch break. Or, a friday or monday after my 9am class, take me somewhere and have fun. Or, go to his place and cuddle and watch movies. No sex- not yet. Just being amazing and cute.
I just feel so empty. Right now, there are three guys who are wanting to have sex with me. Honestly, I’m not opposed..but, at the same time, it’s not what I want. I don’t want just a “fuck and go.” I want honest to god love-making. You know, when you’re in love and the sex is just incredible? Yeah. I want that. I had it once and nothing has compared. It’s not just physical satisfaction I want anymore. I want emotional, too. I want to know that I’m someone amazing, someone worth everything.
Another thing. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m worth fighting for. Or, I feel like I’m not worth fighting to live, to keep hope.
That message from Hailey hasn’t exactly helped.
But, maybe I am selfish. …
no… I’m not.
I know I’m not.
I’ve barely told my friends what I’m really feeling inside. That I’m struggling every day to keep a smile on my face; to fight the swelling depression.
Sure, it’s easy to laugh at what’s funny. It’s easy to smile when someone makes you. But, when all of that’s gone….?