I don’t get it. I really don’t. You make plans with someone, you’re dating someone and you expect certain and reasonable things. Yet, somehow, that person can’t pull through with their task. I don’t know how much more disappointment I can take from people… Honestly, at this point, Robert Strange was the last person I expected this off. He even double checked how to get to where I’ll be today last night. I just… I don’t understand it. I may have only known him a couple days now but, the disappointment of today and of days past comes flooding all at once and it makes it harder to cope. I just wish that there’d be one guy near me that I’m fond of that would never disappoint me like this. Mikey doesn’t but, he lives in Murrietta, California. It’s not exactly like he’s able to catch a flight here right now and meet me. Yet… I know Robert’s probably at the library but…where is he? Why isn’t he here like he said he would be?

Why do I have to suffer all these disappointments? It’s not good for me. It’s not good for my fragile heart, my fragile soul and my fragile self-esteem. I start to feel that I’m not worth the time or worth remembering, even if a conversation the night before says otherwise. I can’t do this… I can’t. I wish someone would keep every promise they could without fail and let me know if they can’t. Because expecting it to happen and it doesn’t is hurtful.

I don’t know what to do…

Side note: Robert unexpectedly had to leave town for the day with his dad. He’ll be back later on today. He called me a bit ago to tell me and to apologize for not being there and that we’ll hang out tomorrow. Now, even though this incident’s been cleared up, it doesn’t excused other incidents involving other people.


Honesty is truly a virtue

So today I learned that a new friend of mine that has quickly become very dear to me and a part of my daily life, does meth on occasion. He didn’t tell me earlier that he was on it but, he did just a bit ago. And for that, I can’t be angry with him. He was completely honest about it and opened up.  I know now that when I’m ready, I’ll be able to open up completely and I won’t be judged.

He’s a really great guy and honest when it’s the right thing to do. So, Robert Strange, I’ve become very fond of you and I love you, you’re a great friend.

The Ultimate Sacrifice for Love; Makes Sense to Deny Participation

This is really thought provoking. Also, the writing style is exquisite. Excuse me while I go … fix a… problem.. xD

Prinze Charming


Good evening, everyone! 

Just a quick thought for the day:

Your world is your inspiration. Take mental notes, write poetic evaluations.

Intimate hour! Are you ready? Do you have your comfortable pajamas on? Ladies, you lean towards the casual bedtime attire to bra and panties, right? For guys, just the boxers? Now, how should we come back to explorative writing but with an explicit twist? Let’s start this evening with a question for a warm up:

If you had to risk and lose one of your traditional five senses to make love to your lover, unless of course you associate with paranormal activity, which one would it be, and why?

First, I should verify the rules. Answer whether you will or will not give up one of your senses to make love to your loved one. Is that a permanent thing? Yes, this one decision will change all the romantic evenings for you…

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What’s it like?

What’s it like to be truly needed? What’s it like to be truly wanted? Will someone show me? will someone tell me? I don’t know… I always get pushed to the side or, I’m the one people talk to in place of the person they need. It’s hard, it’s hurtful. I wish I could be the one they needed. But, I’ve never disappeared or not talked to them for days on end… Maybe I should, maybe I should. To show them that I’m not just here for their beck and call. I’m tired of crying because I know I’m not the one they really want, the one they really need.

So what does that make me then? Dirt beneath their feet? … Pretty much. It is too much to ask to be shown that I’m wanted, that I’m loved? I guess it is… Because no one ever shows me. No one, no guy has ever said to me, “I need you, I need to hold you and kiss you to make the pain go away…” I wish I was someone’s reason to hope, to hold on, to never give up.

I’m so tired of fighting for the people I care about. I’m so tired of waiting and waiting for them to show up. Can’t they just be there? Can’t they be the one waiting for me? What do I have to do to be so treasured as Hailey is to Mikey? I can never live up to her. Not even as his best friend… I can’t match up. I will never be good enough to think about the way he thinks about her. Not to him, nor to anyone. I will always be the girl, the friend, the girlfriend who is very easily replaceable and easy to forget. Why? Because no one’s shown me any different. No one’s shown me the kind of love you can’t live without. At least not for long… The one person who did was James Spaeth but… he hasn’t texted me in weeks… Maybe he’s forgotten about me too. I wouldn’t be surprised. In the end, no one cares about me. In the end, I’m just a distant memory that’s not worth remembering.

How many tears will I have to shed alone, before someone shows up and wipes them away and kisses my eyes? I’m 20 years old. From when I was 16, till now, all I’ve known is heartbreak and pain. Pain that really never goes away because of the vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of. Someone save me… Someone hold me and let me cry all of my pain away until I can look up at them and truly smile, pain free and happy.

Until then, I’ll make myself smile and treasure the few genuine moments of happiness and return to my corner, already flooded with tears….

In love?

Yes. I am in love. 🙂 With Kyle Richmond. The boy I dated briefly over the summer before he disappeared. So far he’s been amazing and wonderful. I’ve fallen all over for him again. Yet, last night, I had a dream about James… :/ Not exactly sure why… I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future but, I think I shall always be in love with him in some way no matter what happens in my life. However, currently, I’m thinking of a future with Kyle – a happy future. Maybe if things go really well, I’ll get an actual engagement ring. Not a cheap one.

Unfortunately, I don’t have much to say tonight.. :/ It’s 12:20 in the morning and I need sleep. So, goodnight!


What do I do? I’m still very much in love with James.. Yet,  he barely texts me as a friend. *sigh* He knows I miss him and he apparently thought it was cute. Good points. I just can’t take feeling so lonely and forgotten by anyone anymore. It just hurts too damn much. I can’t…

But, who really cares? Who? Who genuinely gives a fuck about what’s going on in my head?

Mikey? A higher possibility than many.

“The sun shines all the brighter.”

Okay, I know I haven’t posted since early October. A lot’s been going on: school, emotional drama, stupid exes, and a new weight loss regime that I’m loving.

Anyway, this past week has been near hell. I -almost- lost Dylan to suicide. I wan’t going to commit it. He was. He called me multiple times to say, “I’m scared, I’m going to lose it. I’m going to hurt someone.” And, “I’ve cut myself…” And, “I going to end up taking my life.” I was panicked. I tried to calm him down and tell him that it was going to be okay and not to give up. He barely listened. So, it made me feel as if my tears and pleadings meant nothing. Wednesday night I was a mess. Did he care? I’ve no idea. It sounded like he didn’t. Though, he did make a point to say that he’s glad I actually care. But, he quickly returned to,”no one cares, they all care about themselves.”

And of course, lucky me, I get to deal with this all alone. Well, not quite. Thank god for Niko Birbilis; my awesome Greek friend. He texted me almost non stop throughout the ordeal to make sure I was okay and to help keep Dylan alive. Mikey helped in his own way. He knew I was hurting and scared and he said, “I’m so so so sorry, Eli :(” I mean, what else could he say? He knows that Dylan’s said things like this before so, at this point it was all he could say.

It was just hard that I didn’t have a boyfriend through this that I could turn to. However, Thursday, I texted him and he seemed better. He said that he talked to his best friend who had caused a lot of his pain and he’s healing. Thank god. And, he’s promised that I’ll get to see him in the near future. What made it for sure is the smiley. I know you can’t really see people smile but, I know his smile and I felt it through the text, even if he wasn’t physically smiling in reality, I know it was there somewhere.

And on a super happy note, for the past week, I’ve been talking to this super cute guy named Charlie who’s in Afghanistan. He’s really sweet. Though I haven’t talked to him since Thursday so, I’m a bit worried. However,  since Thursday as well, I’ve been talking to a 26 year old guy named Danny. He’s so funny and I might get to see him tomorrow after Samantha (my cousin)  and I go see Snow Patrol in concert courtesy of Mix 94.5! 😀 I am soo excited, it’s not even funny.

Okay, that’s a “brief” summary. So, until later!