What’s it like?

What’s it like to be truly needed? What’s it like to be truly wanted? Will someone show me? will someone tell me? I don’t know… I always get pushed to the side or, I’m the one people talk to in place of the person they need. It’s hard, it’s hurtful. I wish I could be the one they needed. But, I’ve never disappeared or not talked to them for days on end… Maybe I should, maybe I should. To show them that I’m not just here for their beck and call. I’m tired of crying because I know I’m not the one they really want, the one they really need.

So what does that make me then? Dirt beneath their feet? … Pretty much. It is too much to ask to be shown that I’m wanted, that I’m loved? I guess it is… Because no one ever shows me. No one, no guy has ever said to me, “I need you, I need to hold you and kiss you to make the pain go away…” I wish I was someone’s reason to hope, to hold on, to never give up.

I’m so tired of fighting for the people I care about. I’m so tired of waiting and waiting for them to show up. Can’t they just be there? Can’t they be the one waiting for me? What do I have to do to be so treasured as Hailey is to Mikey? I can never live up to her. Not even as his best friend… I can’t match up. I will never be good enough to think about the way he thinks about her. Not to him, nor to anyone. I will always be the girl, the friend, the girlfriend who is very easily replaceable and easy to forget. Why? Because no one’s shown me any different. No one’s shown me the kind of love you can’t live without. At least not for long… The one person who did was James Spaeth but… he hasn’t texted me in weeks… Maybe he’s forgotten about me too. I wouldn’t be surprised. In the end, no one cares about me. In the end, I’m just a distant memory that’s not worth remembering.

How many tears will I have to shed alone, before someone shows up and wipes them away and kisses my eyes? I’m 20 years old. From when I was 16, till now, all I’ve known is heartbreak and pain. Pain that really never goes away because of the vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of. Someone save me… Someone hold me and let me cry all of my pain away until I can look up at them and truly smile, pain free and happy.

Until then, I’ll make myself smile and treasure the few genuine moments of happiness and return to my corner, already flooded with tears….

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