Christmas is getting closer each day. I don’t have much to show for the past year. A lot of heartbreak, 4 semesters of college and gallbladder surgery.
Okay, fine, it’s a lot but, not what I want. This is the time of year where couples do Christmas couple things. However, I’m completely single so, I can’t do any of them. All I’ve gotten so far is hanging out with Dylan and taking a nap with his arm wrapped around me and his fingers intertwined with mine. Nothing intentionally romantic, it’s just how we are, how our friendship works. I’ve also gotten a promise to see James at some point but not over the holidays. So, once again, I’ll be spending my Christmas and New Year’s single and wishing I had someone to fall asleep next to on Christmas Eve.
Though, I don’t think just anyone would suffice. I want James. I really do. I was stupid to break up with him. Everything feels so right around him, like I have a solid future with him.
But, at the moment, wishing for James won’t do any good. I won’t get to see him around Christmas. He doesn’t have leave.
Perhaps, to block the emptiness, I’ll spend at least the 23rd with Dylan. I tend to be able to forget about the pain and about the world when I spend time with him.
I’ll be okay. I have to be. Right? For my sake. I just have to accept that at least for another year I’ll be alone on Christmas, without anyone to say, “I love you” to.
So.. God, I know I never pray to you anymore or ask you for anything but, please… please… if I can ask for just one thing.. I want James. I really do love him. he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I need him back in my life. I really do. My life feels so empty without him. I think I’m slowly starting to understand that no one will ever match up to him. I always seem to compare him and them. With everything. It’s not right, it’s not fair but, I can’t help it. He was the best in all relationship departments: sex, love, understanding, laughter, human pillow…
I promise if you give me him, I’ll never let him go. I’ll never doubt him again. I have no reason to. There’s no one to cause me to wonder if I really do love him. After all these months of being without him, I’ve come to realize that I’m truly and deeply in love with him. Sure, I can fall for someone else but, they will never fully match up to the kind of person he is. Yes, he can be an asshole but, he does it in a way that amusing and non-offensive. At least, to me. Instead, he makes me laugh with his antics, his facial expressions, his accents.
He makes me happy. My heart pounds every time I talk to him, every time he smiles. I flush when he says I’m beautiful. He’s never judged my body. Instead, he’s always given me tips on how to become a better me, physically. For that I will always appreciate him. He’s given me some inspiration to do HMR. Every time I think of him being someone else’s, I get very sad and lonely.
God, I don’t want to lose him for forever… I want to win him for that time. Please, please, let me have him… Please let things go my way for once. Please let him come see me, single. Please let him realize he’s still in love with me, like I am with him.