Bridge of Light – P!NK, Happy Feet 2

Never really been a fan of P!nk but, I love this song. And, it really resonates with me right now: trying to figure out whether to give someone one last chance or to wait and see what happens or, to move on. Though, either way, it’s hard to keep fighting for the dreams long kept dormant in your heart when they keep being destroyed by the people you learn to trust, let into your heart and show your love to.

I mean, how many times can you keep getting up to try again? It’s gotten to a point where I realize that I’m still very much in love with James. Otherwise, I would have deleted him from everything a long time ago. But, I can’t. It’s too painful to even think about. Though people wonder how I could have loved someone who can be a complete ass… They never see the side I do: a person who can be sweet and kind and silly. I’m not saying that’s all I see. But he never lets them see it.

I’m at a point where I don’t know if I should try once more to win him back or if I should just move on completely. Both options are really painful and include more battling on for what I want and need and dream of. I don’t know how much longer I can fight for it. I wish someone would fight for me for once.

There are so many things I want: a college degree, a marriage, a family, a career… Two of those things I get on my own. But, a marriage? I need someone for that. And same to create my own family. I want to have kids so badly. I want that one relationship that turns into a marriage.

My lovely friend Bethanny made a point the other day. I had told her about my five engaged friends to which she responded: the ones who really want it and deserve it, are the ones who don’t get it. And she’s right. Every girl has the dream of getting married. I did too. But the want for it became very strong when I was 16. Over four years ago. But instead of having a few healthy relationships that just didn’t work out because of personal differences, I’ve had several unhealthy relationships in which the guy just disappeared for no reason.

Ironically, the healthiest relationship I had was with James. He treated me really well until the breakup. And now, 9-10 months later, he still has his moments of decency. When things aren’t rocky between us, we get on really well. I believe we compliment each other. But…. what does it matter? It doesn’t until he decides he wants me. :/

Until then, what do I do? Just keep being single? Try to find someone else? I’ve been doing both and they suck. They hurt. I feel like I go to bed crying every night because I’m lonely and feel very unloved.

I feel like I’m never enough for anyone…

Life’s killed the dream..

Well… I thought I had a chance, I thought there was hope. I guess it’s too easy to forget me; too easy to push me away. Why? I don’t understand. What did I do wrong? It’s hard to trust in love and dreams when they’re always stepped on so easily.

I know of five couples who are getting married. Me? Not even close. I’m a little jealous since that’s what I’ve wanted for years. I don’t get it, why am I always alone? Why am I always left standing in the rain, lost and confused?

A Letter

Dear Cassie,

First of all, know that I love you loads and think you’re a wonderful person. You’re one of the best people in my life and I miss you.

However, remember months ago, when I told you that I really like Robert Philpott? Well, i love him now. And have for a while. He’s been so sweet to me. He’s one of the sweetest people  I’ve ever met and he’s been nothing but good to me. He spoils me in a way I’ve never been before. He loves me. I know he does. If I lived closer, he’d ask me out and let me be his forever. 

But, you can’t see how sweet he is. You can’t see how happy he makes me. All you can is the “bad” person that Tyler’s told you about. He may have know Robert for years but, if he can’t get over the fact that his girl left him for Robert…. Then, that’s his problem. I may not have known him for years. I’ve known him for nearly one. I’ve spent an unfair but amazing three hours with him. While you haven’t spent any with him.

If you met him, you’d see how sweet he is. He constantly thinks he’s a bad person but, he’s fair from it. He’s not perfect but, I think the world of him. He’s made me so happy. I love him so much. The way I love him… is like nothing like I’ve felt in months. Until two months ago, I was so focused on trying to win James back. But I’ve realized I’m never going to. So why try when there’s a man two and a half hours away who actually gives a shit about me and hates it when I’m sad and crying?

I feel so safe with him. Every time we talk, my heart flutters and skips, I get butterflies. Do you know that he thinks I’m gorgeous, that he thinks I’m beautiful? And that he tells me every day? No? Well, he does. When I spent time with him, he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my head. I felt so safe and I could feel his heart beat. And his kisses – they’re amazing. 

The first time he kissed me was to win a play argument. It was the most amazing kiss ever. I felt my knees go weak and I felt like I was going to melt, had he not had a firm but gentle grip on my jaw to keep my close and an arm around my back.

So, you may not like him for whatever reasons but, please, please, accept the fact that I do, that I love him.

You’ve no idea all the happiness he’s given me and how much he’s made me feel again. You don’t know that he’s given me hope in love again. So, please, just be happy for me?

I love him. I really do. And hopefully soon I’ll know if I can have a chance in being his. If I lived closer, it’d be a definite yes but since I don’t, he has to think about risking the distance. So far, it’s all goods, which means for once I’m winning. 

Please just be happy for me.