Never really been a fan of P!nk but, I love this song. And, it really resonates with me right now: trying to figure out whether to give someone one last chance or to wait and see what happens or, to move on. Though, either way, it’s hard to keep fighting for the dreams long kept dormant in your heart when they keep being destroyed by the people you learn to trust, let into your heart and show your love to.
I mean, how many times can you keep getting up to try again? It’s gotten to a point where I realize that I’m still very much in love with James. Otherwise, I would have deleted him from everything a long time ago. But, I can’t. It’s too painful to even think about. Though people wonder how I could have loved someone who can be a complete ass… They never see the side I do: a person who can be sweet and kind and silly. I’m not saying that’s all I see. But he never lets them see it.
I’m at a point where I don’t know if I should try once more to win him back or if I should just move on completely. Both options are really painful and include more battling on for what I want and need and dream of. I don’t know how much longer I can fight for it. I wish someone would fight for me for once.
There are so many things I want: a college degree, a marriage, a family, a career… Two of those things I get on my own. But, a marriage? I need someone for that. And same to create my own family. I want to have kids so badly. I want that one relationship that turns into a marriage.
My lovely friend Bethanny made a point the other day. I had told her about my five engaged friends to which she responded: the ones who really want it and deserve it, are the ones who don’t get it. And she’s right. Every girl has the dream of getting married. I did too. But the want for it became very strong when I was 16. Over four years ago. But instead of having a few healthy relationships that just didn’t work out because of personal differences, I’ve had several unhealthy relationships in which the guy just disappeared for no reason.
Ironically, the healthiest relationship I had was with James. He treated me really well until the breakup. And now, 9-10 months later, he still has his moments of decency. When things aren’t rocky between us, we get on really well. I believe we compliment each other. But…. what does it matter? It doesn’t until he decides he wants me.
Until then, what do I do? Just keep being single? Try to find someone else? I’ve been doing both and they suck. They hurt. I feel like I go to bed crying every night because I’m lonely and feel very unloved.
I feel like I’m never enough for anyone…