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Valentine’s Day

It’s in 11 days. And though, it’ll be the first time in two years when I’ve been officially single during one, I still won’t have a Valentine. It’s hard. Two of my dearest friends always talk about the person they’re in love with and I have no one.

I could’ve had someone.

But they decided to leave out of nowhere. It hurts. It really does. It makes me wonder if I’m good enough for anyone.

I’ve expressed lately on Facebook that I don’t like being single. Sometimes, a friend will comment, “why do you always need a relationship?” The irony of this friend asking is that she’s been in a relationship for a few years now. While I’ve been through several failed ones.

I miss Robert dearly and I know I would’ve been happy with him had he given me a proper chance. I miss James a lot but, he’s been too much of a jackass lately to realistically consider him an option anymore.

So where does that leave me?

Alone.

Sick.

Heartbroken.

I’m not looking for just any guy to fix my heart and show me really how it is be loved unconditionally. But, all of this searching is getting really tiring. I just get played or asked for sexual things.

I need something more than that.

I need someone who will come cuddle with me while I’m sick.

This whole being sick thing has really pushed the fact that I’m single into my face. Late at night, when I’m retching or my head hurts, I have no one. Then, with my friends near constant talk of “L” this or “H” that…? I love them, I do but, I really don’t want to hear about how it makes you sad that “L’s” doing laundry. As for “H”? She’s not good for you. She doesn’t deserve you.

But at the end of the day, what am I? Just a friend. A friend you can cuddle with, even though my heart pounds and my cheeks flush when you do but, not call your girlfriend.

I’m tired of being just the friend. I want to be the -girlfriend-. But, like Lantz, Josh, and James have ¬†clearly shown: I’m not worth it apparently.