Acceptance of Award Nomination

Seven (7) Interesting Things About Myself:

First, I was born in Lima, Peru 20 years ago and brought to the United States because my biological family couldn’t take care of me. I’ve lived in Kentucky since then and though many people say they hate Kentucky or that the US in general is completely fucked up, I’m thankful to be living here, instead where I could have been living.

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Second, since I was about 3 or 4, I have been singing non-professionally and semi-professionally in children’s choirs and on my own. To put it simply, music is quite literally my life. Not only do I listen to it but, I sing it, play it and read it.

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Third, I graduated from Bryan Station High School and the Spanish Immersion Program with the ability to speak fluently in Spanish and the opportunity to study in Spain if I wished. Also, related, I was in said program for 13 years by the time I started college.

Bryan Station

Fourth, I love animals. Throughout my life, I’ve had five cats, a dog, two fish and two hamsters. Of course, they weren’t all mine but, the cats and the dog definitely preferred me to the other members of my family. As soon as I can, I plan to get a puppy from the local animal shelter to fulfill a dream I’ve had and raise and have my very own dog for many years.

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Fifth, while I am from Peru and that makes me Peruvian, I am not a pure blood — so to speak. Because of my physical features: straight black hair, almond shaped eyes and light brown skin, and the little knowledge my mother has of my birthfather, I am either half or a quarter Japanese. Either way, the reason is, is that Peru has the largest Japanese population in the world outside of Japan.

Sixth, I am currently a student of The University of Kentucky, slowly earning a Bachelor of Arts degree in Spanish. No surprise there, huh? Well, it was my intention to become a Vocal Performance (singing) major but, I kept missing auditions, thanks to one of the heads of department consistently emailing me about them after they had passed. However, currently, I am entertaining the idea of majoring in Dance. Although, it will be a completely worthless major in the future, it’s something I love. Though, it may also become a minor, depending on how things work out.

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Seventh, and most important, I have the most amazing guy friends a girl could ask for. My best friend Michael Anderson became a part of my life this past March and we clicked so well that it feels as if we’ve known each other for ages. We understand one another to the point where we could be siblings. Of course, we’re not. He lives in California and is 6′ something, half Caucasian and half Mexican while, I’m …well, not. My other dear friend is Dylan Alvarado. We’ve been friends since November of last year and he’s been really great despite the rough patches we’ve had. Another friend is a crush as well: Robert Philpott. We’ve been friends online since.. I’ve no idea, second semester of freshman year? We finally met in person a couple weeks ago and it was like magic. We literally picked up where we were online but in person. Nothing was different, except that I could actually hug him.

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IMG_1994Mikey

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Though, ironically, despite having these wonderful guys in my life, I’ve struggled to find a guy who’s completely willing to let me have a chance to love him and him love me, despite my shortcomings. Pero, que puedo hacer?  Nothing, except be patient, at least try to be and, keep up hope.

Also, I want to again thank @Prinze Charming for nominating me. It really does mean a lot since I didn’t actually think this blog would do much or amount to anything, save an online journal for me to write down my thoughts.

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A canine companion

For years, I have wanted to have and raise a puppy of my very own. I had one once for a while named Coco. She was an Australian Shepard/Collie mix. She was beautiful and perfect. Coco was my best friend and the one that would stay by my side when I was sad and lonely. She gave me an unconditional love that I haven’t had since or after.

Last night, I had a dream in which my mother and I went to the Lexington Humane Society (albeit, a strangely nicer once than it is in reality), filled out some forms and were given a golden retriever to pet and play with for a while until the people there brought out my very own puppy: a completely black little pup, a chubby thing with wavy fur. In my dream, I didn’t know what kind of dog it was, except that he was mine. But, now I know it was most likely a Portuguese Water dog, even though the Humane Society doesn’t take in pure bred pups.

It didn’t matter though. It was my very own puppy and he was absolutely beautiful.

Portuguese Water Puppy

I know in My Grown Up Christmas List entry, I wrote other things that I want, like a boyfriend. And I still do. However, if I get anything this Christmas, I want a puppy. In a box with air holes and a Christmas ribbon tied loosely around its neck. Just like in “The Lady and the Tramp”. And, maybe with a puppy, I can train it to help when my headaches get really bad.

But, honestly, it’ll probably be like any other time I’ve asked for my own puppy: a big fat no. Or, something along the lines of my parents saying, “I don’t want a dog.” Well, I do. Can’t you just give me this gift I’ve been wanting for years? Especially with these headaches? Do you not realize how scary and miserable it is to have a headache so bad you just don’t want to do anything? I’ve missed classes a few times because of them. The least you could do, until you take me to see a fucking doctor, is get me a puppy to raise.

I know it sounds selfish. I know. But, goddammit, can I just be selfish this once? I mean, I’ll never have a status written about me (as petty as that sounds) and how much I’m loved. No one will ever call me randomly in the day to say, “I love you so much” or surprise me with small and meaningful gifts.

Can’t I just have an animal that depends on me for once? That gives me a reason to smile and get up early in the morning and a reason to come home at the end of my day?

Is that too much to ask for on this Christmas, on my 20th Christmas?

I guess it is.

Everything I ask for always is.

I guess I’ll stop asking for things now. Since I’m just way too selfish.

Confusion.

When did love become so confusing? Oh. Right, when I turned 16. Damn, too many conflicts.

I know I said a couple days ago that I was still in love with James. And, I am. but, I’ve finally met Robert and it was really really nice. After talking and hanging for half an hour, he kissed me while we were having a playful argument. It was quite the amazing kiss and now I’m just confused. As strong as my feelings are for James, my feelings for Robert have become even stronger than they used to be now that i’ve gotten to hug him and spend time with him.

ImageHe’s got a wonderful voice to listen to, even though he doesn’t like it, and he’s incredibly sweet. Just as he’s been through messages. It’s actually really nice that he’s taller than me because he can do that cute thing of rest his chin on my head when we’re hugging and I’m able to feel his heart. He’s also got these beautiful eyes that make my heart flutter each time he looks at me.

I’ve yet to talk to him since yesterday but, curious to know what I am to him now after… well. I  won’t elaborate on it. I’d like to know what I am now after we’ve made out several times and I have the light bruises on my neck to prove it.

He did say a long time ago that he wanted to be able to hug me first before going any further than friends. But, now that we’ve done more than just hug…? I’ve no idea. The suspense is killing me. I do love him loads and, if given a chance, I could be really happy being his girl. He’s nothing like Cassie’s boyfriend said he was. I’ve gotten to know him over months and months and now in person. He’s a wonderful guy, with whom I enjoy spending time with.

Whatever happens now, I’ll be fine and happy with it as long as he stays a part of my life. He’s important to me. Even if he denies that he is, as he always does.

“Something About December”

Christmas is getting closer each day. I don’t have much to show for the past year. A lot of heartbreak, 4 semesters of college and gallbladder surgery.

Okay, fine, it’s a lot but, not what I want. This is the time of year where couples do Christmas couple things. However, I’m completely single so, I can’t do any of them. All I’ve gotten so far is hanging out with Dylan and taking a nap with his arm wrapped around me and his fingers intertwined with mine. Nothing intentionally romantic, it’s just how we are, how our friendship works. I’ve also gotten a promise to see James at some point but not over the holidays. So, once again, I’ll be spending my Christmas and New Year’s single and wishing I had someone to fall asleep next to on Christmas Eve.

Though, I don’t think just anyone would suffice. I want James. I really do. I was stupid to break up with him. Everything feels so right around him, like I have a solid future with him.

James

But, at the moment, wishing for James won’t do any good. I won’t get to see him around Christmas. He doesn’t have leave.

Perhaps, to block the emptiness, I’ll spend at least the 23rd with Dylan. I tend to be able to forget about the pain and about the world when I spend time with him.

Dylan

I’ll be okay. I have to be. Right? For my sake. I just have to accept that at least for another year I’ll be alone on Christmas, without anyone to say,  “I love you” to.

So.. God, I know I never pray to you anymore or ask you for anything but, please… please… if I can ask for just one thing.. I want James. I really do love him. he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I  need him back in my life. I really do. My life feels so empty without him. I think I’m slowly starting to understand that no one will ever match up to him. I always seem to compare him and them. With everything. It’s not right, it’s not fair but, I can’t help it. He was the best in all relationship departments: sex, love, understanding, laughter, human pillow…

I promise if you give me him, I’ll never let him go. I’ll never doubt him again. I have no reason to. There’s no one to cause me to wonder if I really do love him. After all these months of being without him, I’ve come to realize that I’m truly and deeply in love with him. Sure, I can fall for someone else but, they will never fully match up to the kind of person he is. Yes, he can be an asshole but, he does it in a way that amusing and non-offensive. At least, to me. Instead, he makes me laugh with his antics, his facial expressions, his accents.

He makes me happy. My heart pounds every time I talk to him, every time he smiles. I flush when he says I’m beautiful. He’s never judged my body. Instead, he’s always given me tips on how to become a better me, physically. For that I will always appreciate him. He’s given me some inspiration to do HMR. Every time I think of him being someone else’s, I get very sad and lonely.

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God, I don’t want to lose him for forever… I want to win him for that time. Please, please, let me have him… Please let things go my way for once. Please let him come see me, single. Please let him realize he’s still in love with me, like I am with him.

Please…

A Weekend Won

From 11 something to about 3am last night, I oovoo’ed with James for the first time since September, according to the chat history. It was really nice seeing his face and hearing his voice. I nearly forgot how much he makes me laugh and smile. It’s one of the things I love about him. That even though we have a romantic past and now we’re friends, we can still joke on a level that most people may not get. Something about him makes me feel like an equal. He’s silly and pulls these faces that are so readable. Image

However, that is not the point of this post.

While camming last night, he said I won a full weekend in the Spring or Summer of him being my sex slave as long as he’s in my room and, if he.. cums inside me and I’m not on bc, he’s not responsible for the repercussions.

How it would be if he came.

How it would be if he came.

At least, if his current plans pan out.

If they don’t, and I’m not on bc, he’ll cum in me and be responsible for what happens.

Meaning, that I do end up becoming pregnant, he would marry me. He says so he wouldn’t have a bastard child but, I hope it would also be because he still loves me in some way. Well, I know he does. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be “friends with benefits” or something.

However… knowing my luck, by the time he’s able to visit, he’ll have a ring on his finger. But, I’m really hoping that for once I win…that for once, I’ll get the person I that I love.

Though, it feels good that he knows why I’m still holding onto him. And surprisingly, he actually feels sorry that I can’t find anyone who’ll treat me right and not constantly demand sexual acts from me. Even if he’s thinking them or asks them, he respects when I say “no” and won’t push it. It’s something I’ve been wanting to tell him for awhile but never got the chance to.

So, thank you, James.

I hope that whatever happens, I’ll at least get to see you in person again. I really do miss you.

An another ending, time for a new beginning.

Sometimes you have do what’s right for you, even at the expense of hurting others. He seemed good but, after so much pressuring and not enough seriousness and understanding, I couldn’t take it anymore. Already buying me expensive things? No. My love can’t be bought. It’s earned. No matter how attractive you might be.

I’m sorry, Chad. I really am. But, I couldn’t do it anymore. A pounding head and you’re asking me for webcam sex? Is that really the right thing to do? The fair thing? No, it’s not. this is why I’m gone, this is why I’m pulling the disappearing act that’s been pulled on me so many times. Though, at least I had the decency to send you a message via Skype explaining things. Though, now you can’t contact me. I’ve changed the name for your number so I won’t be answering at all.

Stay in North Carolina, or wherever you are. Don’t come to kentucky. I won’t want to see you.

I am sorry.

But, this is goodbye.

Forever.

I have to find someone better, someone who understands the word “no” when I say it. Which, you clearly don’t. I don’t appreciate being used for your sexual release.

Goodbye.

My Dream Wedding (Well, a possible idea)

Every girl at some point in her life, starts to think about her dream wedding. Since I was 18, I have  thought about it. Ideas have changed of few times, however, this are a few ideas of I would like it to be.

The Engagement Ring:

Before even starting to think about getting married, the engagement ring is the essential beginning to the whole process. Even though the idea has been around for ages, there is in fact an origin: One of the most common theories is that the first engagement ring was given as a down-payment of sorts. This gift was the groom’s way of showing his commitment to financially take care of his future wife. Prior to the nineteenth century, women could not own property and it was common for them to collect pieces of jewelry as an investment for the future. If need be, a woman could sell her jewelry in bad times. Interesting, huh? Well, of course now, it’s to symbolize that you’re planning on marrying someone, not so much a way for the groom to show financial commitment. Though, I’m sure it applies in some way if it’s a really nice ring.

In the United STates and Europe, it is customary for men give their bride-to-be a ring when they propose. However, in some countries, such as Australia, both men and women exchange engagement rings. The symbolism is very important: The engagement ring symbolizes a man’s desire and commitment toward his bride-to-be. The use of diamonds, some of the hardest stones available, indicates the strength of the man’s love.

With the engagement ring explained, here are some possible styles I would like. Despite the style, I prefer a silver or platinum band. Gold only blends in my skin and isn’t as visible.

The meaning of a heart cut is the following:

Heart

The look: This century-old shape, symbolizing love and devotion, should be well proportioned for optimum sparkle. Kid Rock proposed to Pamela Anderson with a yellow heart-shaped diamond.

This choice says you’re: sentimental and dreamy.
 

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 The Wedding Ring:

For the wedding, it has to match the engagement ring at least in band color. Of course, some engagement rings come with a wedding band coupled with it. However, if your fiancé gives you a family ring (grandmothers, great grandmothers), it’ll be necessary to go out as a couple to pick out a wedding ring set that satisfies the both of you. Personally, I have yet to think about what wedding ring I want. however, here are some general ideas. Also, if you wish, you can have your bands engraved with a special saying that represents your love.

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And now, for the part you’ve been waiting for…!

The Wedding Dress:

This I have thought about, however, since I never got the chance to go shopping and I’m not married, I never got to choose one out. Despite that, I do have some ideas of what I would like to wear on my special day. As every girl knows, the choice of what to wear down the aisle is very important. It’s the moment that every girl wants to experience.

Screen Shot 2012-12-05 at 6.23.43 PMI love this dress because of the design and color. Though, I would prefer a light blue instead of red.

Screen Shot 2012-12-05 at 6.28.20 PMThis dress is a ballgown style.  I love this dress because of the lacy sleeves and there is a very intricate design on the bodice and skirt.

Screen Shot 2012-12-05 at 6.36.53 PM Screen Shot 2012-12-05 at 6.36.34 PMThis dress is lovely. I love chiffon and this is just really simple and flowy.

The Wedding Venue:

Now, my family is Catholic so, I have a feeling my mother would like me to get married in a church. And, honestly, I don’t really know where I would have it. I’ve considered a small wedding on a beach. Though, there’s also the Henry Clay Estate  that’s lovely and quaint and has an antique feel.

Random wedding picture

Random wedding picture

The beach possibility:

Banyan-Tree-Mayakoba-photos-Facilities-Beach-Wedding-SetupChurch weddinggg:

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And now, ladies and gentleman…

The Reception:

The reception venue is where you’re finally able to celebrate the fact that you actually got married. Here you get to choose the decorations design, where you want it, and of course music. However, music will be discussed after this. I haven’t even thought of where I would want to hold my reception. Though, again, some ideas:

Ballroom:

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Modern: 

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Now for…

The Music List:

For me, my playlist pretty expansive. It has a mixture of traditional and non traditional songs.

  1. L-O-V-E  sung by Nat King Cole
  2. Beauty and the Beast (from Beauty and the Beast) sung by Angela Lansbury
  3. A Whole New World from Aladdin
  4. Rose’s Theme from The Titanic
  5. Pachelbel’s Cannon in D Major
  6. Stealing Cinderella sung by Chuck Wicks
  7. My Heart Will Go On (from Titanic) sung by Celine Dion
  8. You Raise Me Up (piano)
  9. You Raise Me Up sung by Josh Groban
  10. All I Ask of You (piano)
  11. All I Ask of You from Phantom of the Opera
  12. Unchained Melody (piano)
  13. Unchained Melody sung by The Righteous Brothers
  14. Kiss the Girl (piano)
  15. Kiss the Girl from The Little Mermaid
  16. On My Own (piano)
  17. On My Own from Les Miserables
  18. When I Fall in Love (piano)
  19. When I Fall in Love from Sleepless in Seattle
  20. Marry Me sung by Train
  21. I’ve Just Seen a Face from Across the Universe
  22. Unexpected Song from Song and Dance
  23. Heroe sung by Enrique Iglesias
  24. Here’s to Us Glee Cover
  25. Falling Slowly from Once, sung by Kris Allen
  26. Elephant Love Medley from Moulin Rouge
  27. As Long as You’re Mine from Wicked
  28. Never Far From Me sung by John Garrison
  29. Somewhere from West Side Story
  30. Somewhere over the rainbow (Israel K. tribute)
  31. 100 Years sung by Five for Fighting
  32. A Thousand Years sung by Christina Perri
  33. Penguin Sung by Christina Perri
  34. arms sung by Christina Perri
  35. Love Story (Where do I begin?)  sung by Shirley Bassey
  36. Love Story (piano)

This list is still growing. And some songs may be taken off I find others I enjoy and that who I am. Of course, songs will be added that also fit the man I end up marrying. It would only be fair, especially since the reception is for the couple while the wedding ceremony is for the bride.

Conclusion:

As of now, this is just an idea. I’ve yet to become engaged, much less proposed to. like I said, it’s the proposal and the engagement ring that start the entire process. Without either, there’s not much of a point. Half the reason that I’m even this far is because I was proposed to a year ago and thought I would exactly be married in a years time. Clearly that didn’t happen. Now, I just have to wait for the moment when I will be proposed to.

Until then, I have my dreams and I will stick to them and hopefully they’ll have a chance of coming true. Perhaps with Chad. Perhaps not. So far, he’s promised to make my promises come true which is a huge promise and I honestly have a lot of expectations for it.

A Heart Full of Love

Yes, the title of this post is a song from Les Misérables. It’s very suited for this.

Isn’t it funny how someone can go from a complete stranger, to someone you talk to every night, to someone who you’re slowly falling in love with? Just last week, I was broken and tears fell like a waterfall. Now, I’m once again dreaming of a happy marriage, a dog and a family of my own. It’s not just anyone who can bring these dreams to me. I won’t let just anyone. But, he isn’t just anyone.

I know I fall in love too fast and, I know I’ve said this before but, this time… there’s just something about him that makes me believe in every promise he’s kept. Though, the fact he bought the promise rings yesterday help too. They really are beautiful.

Inscription: Forever Love

Inscription: Forever Love

However, what’s nice about this, is that it’s also going slow. Which, contradicts what I’ve just said, I realize but, it’s not like we’re moving in together next week. He’s in South Carolina currently and planning to come visit for Christmas.

It’s nice to have this. He’s already said he wants to marry me (get engaged) on our one year anniversary. Pretty sweet.

What’s funny about this, is that, it’s his cousin that wanted me first. I didn’t return the feelings. I have standards and the cousin did not fit them. However, he does. He’s a poet too. An added plus.

“The way I think of you is like a rose

and my love for you is like an ocean

it stretches from the North to the South,

and East to West.

Your eyes are beautiful

like the stars that shine so bright in the sky

and your smile is like the sunset.

You run through my mind like a boat in the ocean

and the captain saying full speed ahead.

When I don’t see you

my heart does S.O.S

and says where is she?

Is she ever coming back

or do I have to sink in this boat all by myself?”

I think he’s a keeper so far. 🙂

My Grown Up Christmas List

There are twenty-two days left until Christmas Day and twenty-one days left till Christmas Eve. Downtown, the trees are covered with lights and the lamp posts swirled in velvet ribbons. In every store, Christmas music is playing, keeping shoppers in the spirit. Soon exams will be upon all university students and after that, they will be free to spend their Winter Holidays as they will.

Growing up, every child wrote a Christmas list and/or a letter to Santa, detailing what they wanted under the Christmas tree come Christmas Day. Now that I’m 20, I tell what I would like to my parents and they choose what they think is best and it is always pretty spot on. This year, while I would like a couple materialistic things, the rest of what I would like isn’t something that can be bought. However, I shall go through each thing in detail.


Christmas List:

Materialistic Items

  • To start off with, I would like at least another Just Dance game for the Wii. Either the ballet one or the Broadway one. Honestly, I leaning towards Broadway. Although the ballet looks fun, I found the Broadway game first and I’ve got my heart set on it. Besides, it’d help gain P.A, which is always a plus, right?
  • I would also like a pair of tickets to go see a Broadway show on tour. Last year, my parents got me tickets to go see Les Misérables and I saw it with Danae. That was incredible. Because that was such an amazing gift, especially after having gallbladder surgery, I would like something like that again. Perhaps tickets to go see The Lion King or The Book of Mormon, which is coming to Louisville next year. (Hint, hint; wink, wink)
  • At the current moment, I cannot think of anything else I would like. I could easily list so many things but, in the end, my lists are so small because half the things are items I could buy on my own.

Non materialistic

  •  For my first non-material thing, I would like to drop more weight over the Winter break. Of course, that means keeping up with the meals and the P.A and shakes all the time – No slacking off, just like I didn’t for Thanksgiving.
  • The second thing, is love. You know, having a boyfriend to keep you company and do all those cutesy couple Christmas things with? Yes, I want that. ImageWhy? I’ve never had a boyfriend to spend Christmas with. It’s a bit surprising, considering I’ve had like… 7 boyfriends in the past four years. Only with one did I spend a day post Christmas with but, not on. So, it doesn’t count. Besides, it was a horrible idea. But, I’d like a boyfriend to be able to cuddle up with and watch Christmas films with and go ice skating with and go to a corner coffeehouse with.
  • Being kissed under the mistletoe. Of course, this would require the above wish. Sure I could kiss someone elseImage but, it’s mistletoe, something romantic. Not just anyone will do.
  • Being kissed on New Year’s Eve. In New York. Okay, to be realistic, the New York bit won’t happen this year but, maybe the kiss? ImageEven if it’s by a close friend? Even then, it’d be something special. Though, Dylan would say to save it for the one I love. But, I have no idea who that is… well, technically I do but, I think he may be out of the picture.
  • The final thing, for Michael to be completely healthy. He’s just had open heart surgery, which scared me and he’s now out of it and resting. My wish is to know that he’s well on his way to recovery and won’t have any scares again.

However much I may want the non materialistic things, the chances of getting them before Christmas is… well, small. If anything I’ll find someone to talk to but, not actually claim as my boyfriend. Honestly, a visit from James would be nice during this time as well but, I haven’t heard back from him in months so, I’ve kind of given up on that idea. Until the year when I can get what I truly want, I’ll spend Christmas with family and my dearest and most wonderful friends.

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Disappointment

I don’t get it. I really don’t. You make plans with someone, you’re dating someone and you expect certain and reasonable things. Yet, somehow, that person can’t pull through with their task. I don’t know how much more disappointment I can take from people… Honestly, at this point, Robert Strange was the last person I expected this off. He even double checked how to get to where I’ll be today last night. I just… I don’t understand it. I may have only known him a couple days now but, the disappointment of today and of days past comes flooding all at once and it makes it harder to cope. I just wish that there’d be one guy near me that I’m fond of that would never disappoint me like this. Mikey doesn’t but, he lives in Murrietta, California. It’s not exactly like he’s able to catch a flight here right now and meet me. Yet… I know Robert’s probably at the library but…where is he? Why isn’t he here like he said he would be?

Why do I have to suffer all these disappointments? It’s not good for me. It’s not good for my fragile heart, my fragile soul and my fragile self-esteem. I start to feel that I’m not worth the time or worth remembering, even if a conversation the night before says otherwise. I can’t do this… I can’t. I wish someone would keep every promise they could without fail and let me know if they can’t. Because expecting it to happen and it doesn’t is hurtful.

I don’t know what to do…

Side note: Robert unexpectedly had to leave town for the day with his dad. He’ll be back later on today. He called me a bit ago to tell me and to apologize for not being there and that we’ll hang out tomorrow. Now, even though this incident’s been cleared up, it doesn’t excused other incidents involving other people.