Valentine’s Day

It’s in 11 days. And though, it’ll be the first time in two years when I’ve been officially single during one, I still won’t have a Valentine. It’s hard. Two of my dearest friends always talk about the person they’re in love with and I have no one.

I could’ve had someone.

But they decided to leave out of nowhere. It hurts. It really does. It makes me wonder if I’m good enough for anyone.

I’ve expressed lately on Facebook that I don’t like being single. Sometimes, a friend will comment, “why do you always need a relationship?” The irony of this friend asking is that she’s been in a relationship for a few years now. While I’ve been through several failed ones.

I miss Robert dearly and I know I would’ve been happy with him had he given me a proper chance. I miss James a lot but, he’s been too much of a jackass lately to realistically consider him an option anymore.

So where does that leave me?

Alone.

Sick.

Heartbroken.

I’m not looking for just any guy to fix my heart and show me really how it is be loved unconditionally. But, all of this searching is getting really tiring. I just get played or asked for sexual things.

I need something more than that.

I need someone who will come cuddle with me while I’m sick.

This whole being sick thing has really pushed the fact that I’m single into my face. Late at night, when I’m retching or my head hurts, I have no one. Then, with my friends near constant talk of “L” this or “H” that…? I love them, I do but, I really don’t want to hear about how it makes you sad that “L’s” doing laundry. As for “H”? She’s not good for you. She doesn’t deserve you.

But at the end of the day, what am I? Just a friend. A friend you can cuddle with, even though my heart pounds and my cheeks flush when you do but, not call your girlfriend.

I’m tired of being just the friend. I want to be the -girlfriend-. But, like Lantz, Josh, and James have  clearly shown: I’m not worth it apparently.

Bridge of Light – P!NK, Happy Feet 2

Never really been a fan of P!nk but, I love this song. And, it really resonates with me right now: trying to figure out whether to give someone one last chance or to wait and see what happens or, to move on. Though, either way, it’s hard to keep fighting for the dreams long kept dormant in your heart when they keep being destroyed by the people you learn to trust, let into your heart and show your love to.

I mean, how many times can you keep getting up to try again? It’s gotten to a point where I realize that I’m still very much in love with James. Otherwise, I would have deleted him from everything a long time ago. But, I can’t. It’s too painful to even think about. Though people wonder how I could have loved someone who can be a complete ass… They never see the side I do: a person who can be sweet and kind and silly. I’m not saying that’s all I see. But he never lets them see it.

I’m at a point where I don’t know if I should try once more to win him back or if I should just move on completely. Both options are really painful and include more battling on for what I want and need and dream of. I don’t know how much longer I can fight for it. I wish someone would fight for me for once.

There are so many things I want: a college degree, a marriage, a family, a career… Two of those things I get on my own. But, a marriage? I need someone for that. And same to create my own family. I want to have kids so badly. I want that one relationship that turns into a marriage.

My lovely friend Bethanny made a point the other day. I had told her about my five engaged friends to which she responded: the ones who really want it and deserve it, are the ones who don’t get it. And she’s right. Every girl has the dream of getting married. I did too. But the want for it became very strong when I was 16. Over four years ago. But instead of having a few healthy relationships that just didn’t work out because of personal differences, I’ve had several unhealthy relationships in which the guy just disappeared for no reason.

Ironically, the healthiest relationship I had was with James. He treated me really well until the breakup. And now, 9-10 months later, he still has his moments of decency. When things aren’t rocky between us, we get on really well. I believe we compliment each other. But…. what does it matter? It doesn’t until he decides he wants me. :/

Until then, what do I do? Just keep being single? Try to find someone else? I’ve been doing both and they suck. They hurt. I feel like I go to bed crying every night because I’m lonely and feel very unloved.

I feel like I’m never enough for anyone…

Life’s killed the dream..

Well… I thought I had a chance, I thought there was hope. I guess it’s too easy to forget me; too easy to push me away. Why? I don’t understand. What did I do wrong? It’s hard to trust in love and dreams when they’re always stepped on so easily.

I know of five couples who are getting married. Me? Not even close. I’m a little jealous since that’s what I’ve wanted for years. I don’t get it, why am I always alone? Why am I always left standing in the rain, lost and confused?

A Letter

Dear Cassie,

First of all, know that I love you loads and think you’re a wonderful person. You’re one of the best people in my life and I miss you.

However, remember months ago, when I told you that I really like Robert Philpott? Well, i love him now. And have for a while. He’s been so sweet to me. He’s one of the sweetest people  I’ve ever met and he’s been nothing but good to me. He spoils me in a way I’ve never been before. He loves me. I know he does. If I lived closer, he’d ask me out and let me be his forever. 

But, you can’t see how sweet he is. You can’t see how happy he makes me. All you can is the “bad” person that Tyler’s told you about. He may have know Robert for years but, if he can’t get over the fact that his girl left him for Robert…. Then, that’s his problem. I may not have known him for years. I’ve known him for nearly one. I’ve spent an unfair but amazing three hours with him. While you haven’t spent any with him.

If you met him, you’d see how sweet he is. He constantly thinks he’s a bad person but, he’s fair from it. He’s not perfect but, I think the world of him. He’s made me so happy. I love him so much. The way I love him… is like nothing like I’ve felt in months. Until two months ago, I was so focused on trying to win James back. But I’ve realized I’m never going to. So why try when there’s a man two and a half hours away who actually gives a shit about me and hates it when I’m sad and crying?

I feel so safe with him. Every time we talk, my heart flutters and skips, I get butterflies. Do you know that he thinks I’m gorgeous, that he thinks I’m beautiful? And that he tells me every day? No? Well, he does. When I spent time with him, he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my head. I felt so safe and I could feel his heart beat. And his kisses – they’re amazing. 

The first time he kissed me was to win a play argument. It was the most amazing kiss ever. I felt my knees go weak and I felt like I was going to melt, had he not had a firm but gentle grip on my jaw to keep my close and an arm around my back.

So, you may not like him for whatever reasons but, please, please, accept the fact that I do, that I love him.

You’ve no idea all the happiness he’s given me and how much he’s made me feel again. You don’t know that he’s given me hope in love again. So, please, just be happy for me?

I love him. I really do. And hopefully soon I’ll know if I can have a chance in being his. If I lived closer, it’d be a definite yes but since I don’t, he has to think about risking the distance. So far, it’s all goods, which means for once I’m winning. 

Please just be happy for me.

Christmas Eve

Well, everyone, it is officially Christmas Eve. It’s the day that small children await anxiously for Santa Clause to come silently down their chimney late at night to fill their stocks and place presents under the tree.

For my family, it’s the day we go up to Southern Ohio to visit  family for several hours and at some point the kids put on a mini Christmas pageant and they say a Christmas Prayer. The poor kids. They’ve been told to pray, even though they do it willing.

To my family, Christmas seems to be about celebrating Jesus’s birthday…with cake and stuff. Which, I’ve never quite understood. Isn’t Christmas about being with family and friends. Perhaps it’s just me and Richie who aren’t into the whole religious aspect of Christmas. Though, what can I do? Just put up with it, I suppose.

The part that’s really going to hurt is seeing all the couples tonight and tomorrow. It sucks being single during the  holidays. Even my closest friends, Natty and Mikey seem to be caught up in their relationships this year. I’ve only heard from Mikey once this past weekend and not a word from Nataly. I guess I’m the extra wheel. :/ I was really hoping this would be the year where I wouldn’t be single. Guess I was wrong.

To top it off, I’m probably not getting the puppy I’ve been wanting… Much less a new phone since mine’s dying slowly. Honestly, if I got a puppy and nothing else, I’d be ecstatic. A puppy would mean so much more than anything else. Having a puppy to call your best friend and faithful companion is priceless. And I could train it to help out when my headaches get really bad, which isn’t often but, I’m sure the dog could be trained to get medicine or to just stand by if I feel dizzy.

Also, a puppy would give me more reason to go walking and get P.A in since  I’m not longer doing HMR. Walking the furry thing would help me get to a point where I could run again, without much discomfort, which is what I want.

Though, either way, I suppose we’ll have to see. If I don’t get a puppy for Christmas, perhaps I can talk to my parents about the benefits of me having one. I can think of so many. And the excuse of “it’ll scratch the walls!” won’t fly. That can be trained out.

Well, until then…!

Happy Christmas, everyone. 🙂 Oh and, to all Les Misérables fans out there: One day more!

Acceptance of Award Nomination

Seven (7) Interesting Things About Myself:

First, I was born in Lima, Peru 20 years ago and brought to the United States because my biological family couldn’t take care of me. I’ve lived in Kentucky since then and though many people say they hate Kentucky or that the US in general is completely fucked up, I’m thankful to be living here, instead where I could have been living.

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Second, since I was about 3 or 4, I have been singing non-professionally and semi-professionally in children’s choirs and on my own. To put it simply, music is quite literally my life. Not only do I listen to it but, I sing it, play it and read it.

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Third, I graduated from Bryan Station High School and the Spanish Immersion Program with the ability to speak fluently in Spanish and the opportunity to study in Spain if I wished. Also, related, I was in said program for 13 years by the time I started college.

Bryan Station

Fourth, I love animals. Throughout my life, I’ve had five cats, a dog, two fish and two hamsters. Of course, they weren’t all mine but, the cats and the dog definitely preferred me to the other members of my family. As soon as I can, I plan to get a puppy from the local animal shelter to fulfill a dream I’ve had and raise and have my very own dog for many years.

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Fifth, while I am from Peru and that makes me Peruvian, I am not a pure blood — so to speak. Because of my physical features: straight black hair, almond shaped eyes and light brown skin, and the little knowledge my mother has of my birthfather, I am either half or a quarter Japanese. Either way, the reason is, is that Peru has the largest Japanese population in the world outside of Japan.

Sixth, I am currently a student of The University of Kentucky, slowly earning a Bachelor of Arts degree in Spanish. No surprise there, huh? Well, it was my intention to become a Vocal Performance (singing) major but, I kept missing auditions, thanks to one of the heads of department consistently emailing me about them after they had passed. However, currently, I am entertaining the idea of majoring in Dance. Although, it will be a completely worthless major in the future, it’s something I love. Though, it may also become a minor, depending on how things work out.

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Seventh, and most important, I have the most amazing guy friends a girl could ask for. My best friend Michael Anderson became a part of my life this past March and we clicked so well that it feels as if we’ve known each other for ages. We understand one another to the point where we could be siblings. Of course, we’re not. He lives in California and is 6′ something, half Caucasian and half Mexican while, I’m …well, not. My other dear friend is Dylan Alvarado. We’ve been friends since November of last year and he’s been really great despite the rough patches we’ve had. Another friend is a crush as well: Robert Philpott. We’ve been friends online since.. I’ve no idea, second semester of freshman year? We finally met in person a couple weeks ago and it was like magic. We literally picked up where we were online but in person. Nothing was different, except that I could actually hug him.

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Though, ironically, despite having these wonderful guys in my life, I’ve struggled to find a guy who’s completely willing to let me have a chance to love him and him love me, despite my shortcomings. Pero, que puedo hacer?  Nothing, except be patient, at least try to be and, keep up hope.

Also, I want to again thank @Prinze Charming for nominating me. It really does mean a lot since I didn’t actually think this blog would do much or amount to anything, save an online journal for me to write down my thoughts.

A canine companion

For years, I have wanted to have and raise a puppy of my very own. I had one once for a while named Coco. She was an Australian Shepard/Collie mix. She was beautiful and perfect. Coco was my best friend and the one that would stay by my side when I was sad and lonely. She gave me an unconditional love that I haven’t had since or after.

Last night, I had a dream in which my mother and I went to the Lexington Humane Society (albeit, a strangely nicer once than it is in reality), filled out some forms and were given a golden retriever to pet and play with for a while until the people there brought out my very own puppy: a completely black little pup, a chubby thing with wavy fur. In my dream, I didn’t know what kind of dog it was, except that he was mine. But, now I know it was most likely a Portuguese Water dog, even though the Humane Society doesn’t take in pure bred pups.

It didn’t matter though. It was my very own puppy and he was absolutely beautiful.

Portuguese Water Puppy

I know in My Grown Up Christmas List entry, I wrote other things that I want, like a boyfriend. And I still do. However, if I get anything this Christmas, I want a puppy. In a box with air holes and a Christmas ribbon tied loosely around its neck. Just like in “The Lady and the Tramp”. And, maybe with a puppy, I can train it to help when my headaches get really bad.

But, honestly, it’ll probably be like any other time I’ve asked for my own puppy: a big fat no. Or, something along the lines of my parents saying, “I don’t want a dog.” Well, I do. Can’t you just give me this gift I’ve been wanting for years? Especially with these headaches? Do you not realize how scary and miserable it is to have a headache so bad you just don’t want to do anything? I’ve missed classes a few times because of them. The least you could do, until you take me to see a fucking doctor, is get me a puppy to raise.

I know it sounds selfish. I know. But, goddammit, can I just be selfish this once? I mean, I’ll never have a status written about me (as petty as that sounds) and how much I’m loved. No one will ever call me randomly in the day to say, “I love you so much” or surprise me with small and meaningful gifts.

Can’t I just have an animal that depends on me for once? That gives me a reason to smile and get up early in the morning and a reason to come home at the end of my day?

Is that too much to ask for on this Christmas, on my 20th Christmas?

I guess it is.

Everything I ask for always is.

I guess I’ll stop asking for things now. Since I’m just way too selfish.